Column simply put: neurotic squeamishness

Women are supposedly constantly inventing new incompatibilities to have something to talk about. I don’t know of any comparable stereotypes about men.

What for women? Gluten-free rolls, handled with gloves Photo: dpa

Milk perks up tired men!" said the half-naked post-hipster, lounging on the summer-green grass in Schanzenpark. A few boys watched with great attention as he drank the liter of milk directly from the Tetrapak. White dripped from his beard and in blissful anticipation he looked in the direction of the mothers.

After a lack of response, he bit into an overlong baguette and exclaimed:

"Gluten makes you big and strong."

Now the mothers also took notice. One said:

"What is this nonsense? Is this ‘arty’?"

With his mouth full, the guy replied, "Nah, that’s my normal everyday performance. Now get excited already!"

She raised her arms and clapped them above her head, showing off her long armpit hair.

"Bravo, you savage!"

He smiled:

"Hey, I like women with egos, can I get your number?"

She said:

"Nope, you’re too bored for me."

The guy said:

"Exactly. And that’s why I thought we could have a nice argument here now. What’s wrong with you mommies? Why aren’t you even afraid of milk and gluten or not being clean-shaven?"

I don’t know them, the hysterical women who make nutrition a fear-filled religion, despise their bodies, constantly fast and think milk is as dangerous as heroin.

Most women I know like to eat and eat everything, many smoke sometimes more, sometimes less, and drink one too many on occasion without fuss. Mothers, too. I asked a friend who has two children and lives in the cliche-ridden Eimsbuttel. Apart from individual cases, everything is relaxed so far. The majority of neurotic squeamishness seems to be a sexist, inflated fairy tale.

Women are often described as disturbed or at least uncool when it comes to everyday life. As a part of society that fills its day with shallow things. Shoes, hair, nails, decoration and recently even nutrition. There is even a medical condition called "orthorexia".

So women tend toward banal extremism. As teenagers they were anorexic or bulimic, then obsessed with superfoods and negatively obsessive fantasizing about down-to-earth things like bread and milk. It’s like they only have manure on the brain. Women are supposedly constantly inventing new intolerances to have something to talk about and would love to disinfect their entire lives. I don’t know of any comparable cliches about men.

And I’ve always wondered what a latte macchiato mom actually is. Sounds like a stupid person, whose life consists of sitting around and slurping, while the man without silly labeling freighted, important accomplishes. At most, the hanging hipster keeps her company. Maybe he only exists so that he can start a lukewarm flirtation with the latte macchiato mommy. After all, that makes her a cougar – that’s what older women are called in America who are interested in young guys as well as the perfect smoothie.

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