Column not like this: petition against snot-nose pullers

The railroad is doing away with the whole-grain cut. But it does nothing about snot-nose pullers. Something urgently needs to be done.

Even the smallest boy knows what handkerchiefs are good for Photo: imago/Westend61

Only when there is equality on all executive floors and at all bar counters, legroom in all subways and mansplaining has become a foreign word again, will we realize that there is something else we have forgotten: grown men who loudly pull their snotty noses up to the top of their sinuses every 20 seconds in public.

Should there be a prolonged lull in the battle for gender equity in the near future, only one sound will break the silence: Chrchrchrch. Walls will shake, nerves will be sawed and souls will be shaken. Because we all did nothing to storm the last island of male ignorance. Not that we misunderstand each other: Member of this club can not be who is in an absolute emergency – the nose runs, no handkerchief nowhere.

Only men who belong to the species that lets their mothers or wives put out their socks and underpants can become members of this club. The same mom or wife who always pulls a handkerchief out of her purse to clean her little one’s mouth and nose when things get dicey.

Snotty nose high season

In the season autumn/winter this species has high season. They can be seen everywhere at this time. They prefer to stay in public transport. But you can get even closer to them on longer journeys on the German railroads. Here, you can experience snot-nosed rabbits up close.

With some of them, one has the impression that they would like to pull up the mucus sac even further than they do; the bone structure alone prevents the mud from slipping directly into the hypothalamus. Offering this species a handkerchief takes about as much effort as telling someone they smell out of their mouth.

After all, it’s clear that this species would simply have to go to the train toilet to get rid of the slime bag they spend hours rocking up and down their nose.


That this last domain of men still exists is nevertheless a miracle. After all, compared to affordable housing, the handkerchief is neither scarce nor stoopid. That it will nevertheless survive for a while must be assumed. Because unlike #MeToo or mansplaining, doesn’t even have a name yet. At least, I don’t know of one yet. How about mansnuffling?

Hm. Oh well. Do you know a better one? Write me a word that captures the phenomenon mega and I’ll put it to a vote in the next column. We don’t want to be accused of just watching and doing nothing.

While we’re at it: Deutsche Bahn eliminated whole-grain sandwiches in its on-board bistro on Dec. 1. Can someone please start a petition? I already have a suggestion for a name: Stullensturm.

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